Where to go out in Buenos Aires

If you dutifully follow the recommendations of your Lonely Planet, or get advice from other expats, you'll likely stick to the anodyne nightlife options in Palermo, Belgrano and Recoleta, maybe venturing into San Telmo if you're brave (but take a taxi, or you'll surely be mugged!) Worse, many short-time tourists only make it to the massive international clubs like Pachá or that Opera thing in Puerto Madero, that blare awful house music and serve mostly as distribution points for ecstasy and cocaine, and miss the local nightlife altogether.

I'd rather have my ears gnawed off by a pack of crazed wildebeests than have to listen to house music, and I only go out in Palermo for the expat get-togethers that come around every two weeks or so. There seems to be a wider gulf between how expats entertain themselves here and how the locals do than anywhere else I've been, and the guidebooks are particularly unhelpful. For instance, did you know that Argentinians are absolutely obsessed with circuses? If you're an expat, you probably had no idea, even though there are at least 20 within walking distance of my apartment. They're called variettes, and they generally consist of a large, high-ceilinged room with performances by acrobats, jugglers, tumblers, clowns and mimes and often some political satire thrown in. You should go.

My most memorable nights out have been in neighborhoods that aren't mentioned in the guidebooks at all, and that upper class Argentinians (look up careta in the dictionary of words that don't appear in dictionaries) will tell you to avoid as if your life depended on it. I've only been here for two months, and I'm sure there are hundreds of places all over the city that are more fun than my recommendations, but here are a few of the places where I've had excellent nights out so far:

San Telmo

You should categorically refuse to talk to anybody who tries to tell you that San Telmo is more dangerous than Palermo. Seriously, that's just ridiculous.

El Aleph (Chacabuco 443, esq. Belgrano): An underground bar inspired by Borges, they have poetry readings, live music, and, of course, variettes.

El Circo del Aire (Perú y Independencia): I haven't been here yet, but above their entrance is a hand-lettered cardboard sign, which pretty much guarantees that it'll be fun. They put up flyers around the neighborhood occasionally.

La Boca

The guidebooks make people think that everywhere outside of a one-block radius of El Caminito is a shantytown of cardboard shacks controlled by violent street gangs or possibly man-eating aliens. It's actually just a normal, working-class neighborhood.

La Kasa de las Estrellas (Magallanes 1265): A beautiful and crumbling old synagogue that's now used illegally as a (counter-)cultural center. They have punk and reggae concerts, circuses, and liters of beer for AR$5. Some conjunctive kittens who would like a home also live here, by the way.

Constitución

If I tell Argentinians whom I've met in Palermo about something I did in Constitución, they're liable to tell me that I must be mistaken, since nobody has ever entered that neighborhood without being murdered. In the popular consciousness, it seems to enjoy a reputation for safety somewhere between Kinshasa and Moqadishu. In reality, about all that distinguishes it from Once or Barrio Norte is that the people have darker skin. It's largely a Paraguayan / Bolivian immigrant neighborhood, you can hear Guaraní spoken on the street, and, very unusually for Buenos Aires, there's a concentration of Black people and a number of African cultural centers. I've walked around here at all hours of the night, and I haven't been killed yet.

Galpón Trivenchi (Caseros 1712): A formerly illegal squat house which, due to its popularity, managed to strike a deal with the government to avoid being evicted. Probably the best place to see variettes in the city. I think they have a clown collective, too, but I'm not sure what that means.

La Fundación Libertaria Argentina (Brasil 1551): An unmarked door and a long, winding hallway will lead you to the front of the house, where AR$3 or a food donation will get you entrance. A courtyard bar selling beer for AR$4 and wine and home-cooked empanadas for AR$1 is backed by a huge tin and wood shack, where they distribute anarchist literature, show films, and have heavy-metal concerts lasting for 8 hours at a stretch. They definitely don't get any Americans here.

Almagro

El Conventillo de Teodoro (Perón 3615): The front of the house is a traditional peña with tango music, but a secret hallway in the back leads to a boliche with rock concerts and clown encounters.

Flores / Floresta

Centro Cultural Cervantes (César Díaz 5131, esq. Cervantes): A football-pitch-turned-courtyard that has definitely seen better days, a small bar with attached dance hall, and a restaurant make up this cultural center, which hosts live music, often with an African flavor.

Palermo

I said I don't like going out in Palermo, but I'll make an exception for the full-moon parties in

Los Bosques de Palermo (around the Planetarium): Every full moon, at least during the summer, there's a big bonfire in the forest with drum circles, fire jugglers, and a new-age vibe.

A good way to find out about events at many of these places is www.poesiaurbana.com.ar; many also advertise in the newspapers or on the radio and put up posters.

If you're scared to go anywhere not in Lonely Planet and get nervous when you can't hear anybody speaking English, at least go to the decent expat hangouts like Bangalore or Gibraltar. The Drink Gallery is okay too, but hideously expensive. I really don't understand the appeal of The Alamo, where American study-abroad students often take up residence for months at a time. It's a sub-par sports bar with NFL games and a rat infestation. And then there's Kilkenny -- words cannot begin to describe how awful this place is. If there is a hell, it was modeled on Kilkenny.